Friday, February 8, 2013

Secret Transcription

I can’t tell you where I got this.  I don’t even know.  I walked out of a drugstore at the end of my block and a bum started to approach me.  He paused and glanced around.  We were alone.  I didn’t like his demeanor.  I thought was going to be mugged and was reaching for my OC spray.  He looked behind himself one more time, turned and said, “Geese fly south in the night.”  I didn’t know what to say so I said, “That’s easy for you to say.”

He handed me thumb drive and while I was wondering what a bum was doing with a thumb drive, he vanished into the shadows. 

Later that night, I slipped it into my computer’s USB port and was amazed at what unfolded.

The only file on it appears to be a transcription of a video-taped clandestine Taliban leadership meeting.  I believe this is a true story leading up to the decision prior to Oct 9, 2012 to assassinate 14-year old MalalaYousefzai.   

Even paranoids can be right.  I think people are following me.  I haven’t seen the bum again, but everyday I see someone hanging around my home or watching my car in the parking lot at work.  I checked my car.  I haven’t found a GPS tracker, but who knows.

I figure I’ll only be safe once the file is public.  I have no idea where or who filmed and recorded the original meeting.  Again, it appears to be a translation and transcription of a videoed secret meeting.

Transcription 2765-Alpha Zed   Courier Only    Your Eyes Only

Abd da-Wack:  This meeting of the Taliban leadership meeting will come to order, Allah willing.  Where’s Hashin?

Muhammad: He can’t make it.  He couldn’t find a replacement for his shift at the Dairy Queen.  Clearly, it’s a CIA-Jewish plot against us!

Abd da-Wack:  We can’t wait any longer.  Let’s get started.  Everyone stand and face Mecca.”

Voices not identified:

 1st voice: No, face this way.

 2nd voice: No, this way.

1st voice: Are you sure?  You got lost in your tent for three days!

3rd voice: You’re both nuts!  By the prophet’s beard, it is that way!

Adb da-Wack:  “Forget it.  Just forget it.  Just stand up and say the oath.”

All:  “Lean left, lean right, sit down, stand up, we hate girls.”  Everyone spits on their right hand and slaps their left knee.

da-Wack: “Okay, everyone sit down and let’s get to business.  We have a gift from Allah.  A golden opportunity to wipe clean a blot on Islam.”

Farkil: “Hey, I’m really sorry about that but my stomach was acting up and …”

da-Wack:  “Silence, dog!  That was last week.  No!  We have a chance to remove a woman most foul and unclean.  She is an imperialist running capitalist running dog … or is that cunning imperialist capitalist dog runner?  Hey, someone check the book of current hate expressions.  Are we in compliance here?”

Muhammad: Let’s see, …No.  The current expression is “Snake of the Great Satan.”

da-Wack: “Okay, let the minutes reflect the change.  Anyway, she will be traveling through our area of control and we have the opportunity to execute her for crimes against the prophet and Islam.”

Voices: Who she?

            “Condoleezza Rice?”

            “Hillary Clinton?”

            “Golda Meir?”

da-Wack:  “No!  Much better.  Malala Yousefzai!”

Farkil:  “Who’s that?”

da-Wack:  “By the prophet’s nose hair, she’s a foul 14-year old temptress who wants women to learn algebra!”

Muhammad:  “You know, algebra was invented by us.”

da-Wack, pulls out notebook and pencil:  “How do you spell 'intellectual'?” 

Farkil: “S-m-a-r-t  G-u-y”

de-Wack, writes and puts book away:  “No matter.  We will send a sacred warrior on a suicide mission.  Don’t bother trying to leave.  I’ve locked the door.”

The men return to their seats.

da-Wack:  “Kassass!  We have chosen you to live in paradise.  By the prophet’s ingrown toenail, you are a lucky man.  Paradise awaits you with 17 virgins…”

Kassass:  “I thought it was 72 virgins?”

da-Wack:  “We’ve had a lot of set backs.  It’s 17 virgin women for the time being.”

Kassass:   “Ah, well I wondering, I mean … it’s my choice, isn’t it?  Could I have boys?”

da-Wack: “Boys?  What!  You want boys?  Well the scriptures just say virgins, so I guess…”

Kassass:  “If it’s my choice, could you make them goats?”

da-Wack:  “What the …Goats!!?!  Never mind, we’ll send Oma.”

Oma: “Me?  I, I … just never planned on being dead.  At least not so soon.”

Muhammad:  “Where will the cleansing take place?”

da-Wack:  “Her village is here.”  He points to map on the low table between them.  “Oma will travel three days by truck.  A caravan will be waiting for you...”

Oma: “I’m allergic to camels…”

da-Wack: “Good, it’s a Dodge van and it will take you near the pass she must travel through.  You will position yourself high in the rocks and then at night slip through the mountain pass and hide among the faithful until morning.  You will then approach the school and break the door down, kill every girl you can and then blow yourself up with grenades while chanting 'God is great'.”

Oma:  “That’s too far to go to be a martyr.  I get car sick and it’s hay fever season.  I could never be sneaky when I’m sneezing.  Couldn’t we wait until she’s older, maybe traveling closer?  Maybe when she’s 70-ish?”

da-Wack:  “In three days, she will be taking a bus trip to the next village.  You must be ready!  You can show them Allah’s will!”

Oma:  “I don’t know if I can be ready by then.  I mean, I got to find someone to take care of the dog, and who’ll take my mail in?  What did she do that was so wrong?”

da-Wack:  “The spawn of Satan are sending her to undergo some infidel ritual so horrible that even they talk of it only in code.  I dare not say its true name.  They call it a 'spelling bee'.” 

Kassass:  “It’s not too far for you to travel for eternal life and 27 goats, Oma!”

da-Wack:  “17 goats!  Only!”

Kassass:  “How come you have a girl’s name Oma?  Is that some kind of insult to Islam?”

Oma:  “My father wanted a girl.  You’re just mad because your name means 'two dogs humping!'

da-Wack:  “By the prophet’s left testicular orb!  Back to business!  Oma, you are Islam’s chosen warrior.  If you survive great riches will be heaped on you!”

All:  “Great riches?”

Kassass:  “No virgin goats?”

da-Wack:  “No goats!  Not one more word about goats or I will have you cleansed, Kassass!  Yes.  We expect to reward you with two new AK-47's and 300 rounds of Russian surplus ammo.  On every anniversary Hashin will give you a free ice cream cake!”

Oma:  “With sprinkles?”

de-Wack:  “Of course!”

Oma:  “What about chocolate?”

da-Wack:  “Ah, sure.  It can be chocolate.”

Oma:  “I want…”

da-Wack:  “Oma, you just have to shoot the bitch, how hard can that be?”

Muhammad:  “Men!  Are we sure about this?  After all, she is just a teenage girl.”

da-Wack:  “You’re right.  I better send two men!”

Okay.  It’s not real.  The idea of shooting a teenage girl because she want other girls to have the opportunity attend school and express that feeling in print makes me boil.  I don’t have the ability to find these brave freedom fighters and shooters of unarmed teenage girls, but I can make fun of them. 

If this offends you, tough!  You’re probably the kind of person who cries for their mommy when you start losing a fight and when you’re safe and hiding behind someone, calls the other person names.

PS:  I just heard a BBC broadcast in which Malala Yousefzai is speaking and wanted to thank the hospital staff in Britain.  She wants to go on being a voice for women.  Pretty gutsy for a 15-year old girl.

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